Yvonne "Evidence"

Evidence Yvonne, I think the way in which you experimented with this piece was very creative! I like how the main forms of dialogue and prose are through email and text message. I also like the fact that you used the exact formatting of a Craigslist post, of the email conversation (and its forwarded portion), and of the iPhone text messages. The overall story was very entertaining and fun to read. I assumed that the two characters Darlene and Margret are sisters and Margret is scared of Darlene moving away after she gets married, so she made up this fake story to try to get her to stay. This story is very clever especially the way in which you surrounded it around technology. I wish I could see where the story goes from there because this story could go on with Margret trying another one of her shenanigans but next time on William.

Yvonne "Notes on a Kitchen Table"

Notes on a Kitchen Table Yvonne, I really enjoyed reading this piece!! You did so much with the formatting and even with the way in which the characters are communicating with one another. I like that before the reader gets to the map, the boyfriend’s response is already read. I like that his addition to the note gives somewhat of a foreshadow as to how the story will end when he states, “Towards the end, though, I realized… this isn’t a game. This isn’t one of your stories.” That made me anxious to get to the end of the story. I also like that the note consist of scratch outs and changes along the way—I think that helps the reader to get inside of the characters head. Going through the map was exciting because I felt like I was on a mystery to 1) see what the boyfriend’s answer will be and 2) to see what the girlfriend’s questions are going to be. This piece was really experimental; I actually have no critiques, just that this inspired me to do something that out-of-the-box.

Critique on "Lost"

Lost Gabrielle, I like how you experimented with the idea of a ‘lost’ ad/sign. I like that in the beginning , as I was reading, I thought that it was a lost dog or some type of pet. As I continued I realized that it was a lost ‘friend’. Some of the hints that strayed my mind away from thinking that it was a dog were the eye color, height, and the “markings”. The length of the piece is also a giveaway, but I like the way in which you incorporated a story about the lost friend in this ad. I also like how you play on male and male friendships. I think that is you sectioned off the rest of the piece—for example: “Hobbies”, “Personality”, “Clothing”, etc.—it would flow a bit better and it would continue throughout the story as a lost ad. I also think if you added a picture of some sort it would add to the piece.

Critique on "How to Make Friends"

How to Make Friends Gabrielle, I really liked how you experimented with the formatting of this piece! The format was my favorite part about reading this piece. This “how to” guide is very on point with how a brochure or plantlet would look. The topic of “making friends” is very ‘experimentive’ because most that’s not normally something that needs to be explained how to do. I especially like that you used illustrations in this piece—that really turned it up a notch! As I read this piece, I felt that the wording could have been a bit stronger when being sarcastic.

Critique on "Graffiti"

Graffiti Gabrielle, I like the experimental concept of using graffiti as your topic and your topography. I like how some of the graffiti’d section titles were found in the prose of that section, but I think if keep that pattern consistence it would flow better. I think that instead of the font change on each section title, there could have been actual pictures of graffiti art and/or more information as to who’s speaking and why they’re passionate about graffiti. Some of the title’s that you have for the sections—like “Mad Skillz” for example—used ‘slang’, however the prose in those sections do not. I think if the voice in the prose is supposed to support or speak for the title, then it too would be written in ‘slang’. I think that you could do a lot more with this piece.

Elle: 3rd Critique

Here Lies Love Elle, While reading this, all I could think about was sex, lust, and being in heat. All of the descriptions you give about the interactions between the two characters are very sensual and lustful—in my opinion. I like the way you use color to describe some of the characters—my favorite from this piece, “I am greens and off-whites and a form of yellow; she is Lake Geneva blue and nondescript purple something-or-other” I liked that line; I repeated it three times: once to myself and twice out loud. I think that the formatting and some of the ambiguity in the piece is what makes it experimental.

Elle: 2nd Critique

Excerpts Elle, I get how the title relates to the story—excerpts from the main character’s childhood—however, I am not sure how to understand what’s actually going on in the story. I know that the child is somewhat of the narrator, but it seems that she’s narrating during times where she probably wasn’t comprehensive of what was going on around her. I also understand that the main characters parents are divorced, but again, how can the child tell this story if she must ask her father in the second to last section “why did they split-apart”? I think that the part about the uncle and the other part about the grandmother could have been a bit more explained for the reader—they’re just briefly mentioned and not mentioned again. I like the way in which you put each excerpt in a section and date it, however it doesn’t do much if the reader doesn’t know exactly how to read what’s going on.

Elle: 1st Critique

Stockholm Syndrome Elle, This piece gave me goose bumps! It was weird because I wanted to continue reading it even though it was creepy. I like the idea of having this wasps growing and protruding from the characters arm. In my Human Ecology class, we’re reading a book, Tropical Nature, and there’s a chapter in this book titled “Jerry’s Maggot”—this is actually the story that Tre’ told us about in class the day you presented this workshop—in that chapter Jerry goes through some of the same things your main character does. I think it would be good to read that and maybe get some ideas from it. I like how you make this story sound mothering—as if the character is pregnant rather than having this wasp grow in their arm. I also like how your title ties into the piece, the concept of Stockholm Syndrome applies closely to your main character and her attachment to the wasp.

"What Was is Gone" Shelby

What Was is Gone Shelby, Being a New Orleanian and going through Hurricane Katrina, I knew within the first 4 lines that you were referring to Hurricane Katrina. I really enjoyed this piece and I like how you took some creative concepts from Voskuil’s piece by going in reverse chronological order. I like how you referred to Hurricane Katrina without saying ‘hurricane’ or ‘Katrina’—you described an entire experience that someone probably went through without saying what it was that the characters actually were enduring. I like how you situate the dialogue in this piece as well—I like that as the character Al is on the phone with his wife, we know what she is saying to him/how she’s responding to him by the way in which he is responding to her. I really have nothing to critique about this piece, I liked it a lot and I think it shows how everyone in New Orleans may have experienced Hurricane Katrina at the same time, but it ‘hit’ people in different ways.

Shelby's 2nd Critique

i should have taken an ambien Shelby, I like how you experimented with not using punctuation or capitalization in this piece. I also like that, since these are her thoughts, there is no paragraph form, or breaks throughout the story. It reads to me like a stream of consciousness. I like this piece and the way in which you used this type of constrained writing. I don’t think there’s anything to change about this piece. I defiantly think that you can continue by creating more journal entries from this same person or different journals from other patients of Dr. Mitchell’s.

Shelby's 1st Critique

The Hand of Justice Shelby, I like the way in which you experimented with the format of this piece. I like the fact that it’s a murder case and that the reader is in some way the detective listening to the suspect or criminal’s story as to what happened. I liked how you made the character crazy without using a narrator to explain it to the reader—for example: the repeating or stuttering of words or lines and the fact that in the beginning the character can’t remember his name. The only thing I would critique about the piece would be the fact that his explanation of why he murdered the girls and his idea of “justice” seems to not relate to the idea that he’s supposed to crazy. Other than that I really liked the piece and I think it could even continue with more cases or the same cases told by different people—like the parents of the victims of the friends or family members of the suspect/criminal.

Eric "Overlap"

Overlap Eric, I like how you experimented with time periods in this piece and you incorporated the title with the actual story by overlapping the stories. It seems as though the child that passed away and her family were in the 18th or 19th century because of the fact that the child died of some sort of “disease” or “sickness”—which wasn’t completely explained. My favorite thing about this piece is that, even though they are in different periods, we find out that they are in the same city and possibly the same exact land/property. I like the way that overlaps, however, I think this could have continued a bit more at the end because as a reader I wasn’t sure if the main character was about to Google the area, or write a story about what he dug up—I wanted more of that. I think that you could’ve also given the reader more information on the what time periods the characters were in exactly because the more current characters words and actions seem as though they could be from the 20th century to today. other than that I liked it.

Eric "Glossolalia"

Glossolalia Eric, The experimental part of this piece is the typography and the fact that the story switches from a story about Old Man Pellum to Old Man Pellum telling certain parts of his life throughout the story. One thing that is hard to believe is that, Old Man Pellum is supposed to be “crazy” yet, his first little story he references Poseidon, which requires some intellect, but the rest of his stories or rants sound like a country man. I think that those might be the portions that need work in order for them to be a bit more believable. Other than that, I really like the meta fiction—or a story within a story—within this piece. I also like the fact that when I started reading this piece I didn’t expect the story to be about the old man, I felt like my mind was going in one direction with the beginning and by the end of page 2/beginning of page 3, you’ve switched my thinking process—that’s cool.

Eric "Conceal or Reveal"

Conceal or Reveal Eric , I like the way in which you play with gender/sex. We don’t have much of an idea as to what gender character One or Two is until the end. While reading, you switch your tenses, so in some cases we are reading the characters in future and other cases we are reading them in present. I like that you give the reader an ideal as to what might happen with the series of ‘or’s’ at the end of the story—they leave the reader trying to put the pieces of the story together on their own and they also give you room to develop more of the story if you wanted. I don’t think that it needs change, I really liked it—my only thing would be if you wanted to be more clear, maybe you should clarify if the reader is in present, past, or future with the characters, but if you meant to have that ambiguity then it doesn’t need any change.

Alex "Grim's Menagerie"

Grim’s Menagerie Alex, I really enjoyed this piece because of the references to pop culture—Slaughter House Rock, Sid and Nancy, etc. I also like the poetic/lyrical feel the opening of your piece—the repeating of lines and the stanza form. I like the correlation to the circus, I think that the beginning is like an introduction to all of these “circus attractions” or “circus freaks” and then you go into a description of each “character.” I stated this in class: your piece reminded me of A Clockwork Orange with the way in which you choose to describe the characters and how you mix the lyrical with the references to pop culture and the circus as well as how that somehow relates to the death of humanity. As I’m reading certain sections I feel like there’s darkness in the words—for example: “the virgin boy sold to the Devil at 9”, “Sid and Nancy. Sid killed Nancy”, or “they do not know forgiveness”—I think that you could develop more on that darkness which will also add, or build up to the ending.

Alex "In Fair Asphodel"

In Fair Asphodel Alex, I won’t lie, when I started reading this piece I was so confused that I stopped reading chronologically and just started bouncing around from one section to another—in no specific order. I liked that I could read your piece out of order and the meaning doesn’t change. But that may also be a down fall because it was hard—even when reading it in order—to understand what is actually going on in the story. I’m confused if, in certain sections, the girl is alive and you’re talking about her past, or if the king is admiring her dead body, also, are the horses on the carousel actually coming to life—that would be experimental. I think that a lot more could happen with this piece because you leave the meat of the story so open for the reader—like we don’t even know how the dead girl died—so because of the ambiguity you could take this story anywhere.

Alex's 1st Critique

Whoever Claims It Hardest, Remembers It Most Obsessively Alex, I like that you experimented with the form of a list. With your format, you switch from centered, triple spaced prose—that is something like an introduction—to a list of memories. However, certain parts of that introduction—for example the line reading “why do I associate everything with the delusional 7th grade relationship . . .” seems so relevant in that first part, but is never mentioned again in the story, which makes it seem like the narrator doesn’t actually associate everything with that relationship. The list was my favorite part; I like how each number or memory relates to the bathroom, but that they’re all totally separate instances and situations. I think there could have been more of that. The ending brings me back to the beginning, with the same format and the switching from the list back to prose. I like the last paragraph, “we are devoid of a Wardrobe, Rabbit Hole, or Flying Pirate Ship . . .” those lines are powerful to me, but they seem like a different story from the lists that I was previously drawn into. That reference to The Chronicles of Narnia, Alice in Wonderland, and Peter Pan could start off a story of its own—I feel like in this piece it’s lost—whereas the very last line, “no one punks there” brings the reader back to the list of memories in the bathroom.

"Cynthia" Ashley

Cynthia Ashley, I like how you experimented with the typography, but my only critique would be to give the reader more of both characters. The way in which the narrator builds up the story for the reader seems as though it is in Cynthia’s favor. The only things that the narrator is giving the reader about Jill is that she has thin lips and that she eats a lot of Cool Ranch Doritos. Although I thought Cynthia was crazy for not defending herself and for letting Jill use her car after she’s been so rude to her, I think that you could’ve made Cynthia a bit more crazy so that killing Jill would seem more real. I think that the narrator as well as Cynthia and Jill, did not give the reader enough evidence as to why Jill needed to die—it seems if she just moved then things wouldn’t have gotten there.

Ashley "Application for Employment"

Application for Employment Ashley, I like how this piece experiments with the application process. I like how you integrate a story into this one application. Throughout the application, I asked myself questions like: why is she answering questions like this, why does she have so much time on her hands, does she actually think she’s going to get the job with these answers? I like that about this piece because you answer all of those questions at the end with her explanation as to why she’s out of school. I think that you could continue this by either writing more applications from Pendleton to this same place for the same position, but Pendleton’s answers to the application question get more and more crazy.

Ashley's 1st critique

Having a conversation at an inconvenient time Ashley, I liked the way in which you gave your reader a vivid image of an awkward time with someone. I like the “realness” of the story—the “awkward interactions” between the two characters is something that is not uncommon. I like the portions of the story where the main character makes note of things in her thoughts, but I would have liked to see more of them. Once the main characters get to their destination, the portions of note making/taking is gone—I would have like to see how the main character would have describe some of the people at the party or maybe some of her surroundings. I don’t think that the title fits the story because the story seems to not be about having a conversation at an inconvenient time—unless that refers to the first conversation, but the rest of the story seems to be about an awkward moment with a person—because there isn’t much conversation in the story to begin with.

"Blue" Tre'

Blue Tre’, I really like how you played with an old fairy-tale story and made it your own—experimental. I think that the way you switch the gender from female to male, making all of the characters male changes the outcome of the story. A couple of things that I wanted to comment on would be the mother, I assumed she passed away, but I think if you give your reader more information on the mother that would help the story more. I also think that the way in which the shark and the boy blue “battle” could be more aggressive—since the story is more masculine. I think that the shark’s part in the story could have been elongated or further explained. I also think that the ending could have given more clarity as why the step-father wanted the grandfather’s land.

"Louella" Tre'

Louella Tre’, For some reason when I started reading this story, I thought about Jean Toomer’s Cane with the way that you repeat certain lines like the course of a song—the repeating of colors such as red and white and the repeating of the name Louella and moons. Throughout the five sections I like how you alternate from prose to poetry. I think that the longest section “Numb” could be broken into two sections. In that section there is a break between the part about the bar and the part about the brothel—I think that would be the best place for the split between one section and the other. After reading this piece I think that the section “Numb” is very much separated from the others, but the way in which you repeat certain lines through the whole piece connects the sections still.

"The Memory Book" Tre'

The Memory Book Tre’, I think that this story was filled with ambiguity, which is one of the aspects of experimental fiction. When reading this story I felt like there was a beginning and an end that was missing—as if this were an excerpt from a book. The way in which you describe the old woman is very drastic to me, and I like that—I think the way you used your words, drew a vivid picture of this old woman. However, some parts of the story did confuse me: I did not get the foil, where she was supposed to be located in the house, and I also couldn’t get whether she killed the mouse or if it were already dead. With all of those things in the air for me, I did draw my own conclusions, which was interesting because my second time reading it the conclusion I came to was different. I think that that fact could or could not be a good thing.

"Life" Sara

Life Sara, First off, I like the way in which you experimented with playing cards, which also correlates to your story in many ways. I connected the playing cards and the title of the story with the saying “this was the hand I was dealt” when referring to life. I like that the story itself refers to games such as Monopoly, Gold Fish, UNO, and Mao—metaphorically saying the life is somewhat of a game and its outcome is unpredictable. I’m not sure if it was purposely done for the story to be on the side of the card that would be facing your opponent, makes me wonder who the reader/audience is supposed to be. I like this idea and I think it can defiantly develop into a number of stories centered around a game—maybe a board game or even a puzzle of some sort.

"The Explorer" Sara

The Explorer Sara, I had to read the story twice to get that you were referring to Dora The Explorer—I’m slow I guess. I like how you experimented with an actual cartoon characters ‘character’ and deconstructed her actions as mental problems—this is the cleverness of the story. I think that this could continue with more development of Dora’s problem and see how it progresses. Or it could continue with a series of different Case Studies of different cartoon characters. I think the fact that you’re using a real character that is already developed and has its own “history” makes it easier for you to experiment with that. I’m not sure if this was on purpose, but I liked the fact that “is in progress” were the only words on the last page.

"Incident Report" Sara

Incident Report Sara, I like the different types of voices from the characters. I also like the different versions or portions of the story that each character gives to the story. As I’m reading this, I picture a reporter walking around the scene of the incident and having a bunch of people telling them the story at once, but in different ways. It does make the story confusing, however, at the end the story “Incident Report” portion clarifies the incident, its outcome, and the punishment. I really enjoyed reading this story and I really liked the dialect of some of the characters—I like the way in which you presented the different ranges of voice and language.

David's 3rd Critique

Voicemails David, I loved this story. I like the three forms of technology (telephone/voicemail, texts, and email) that narrate the story. My only critique would be that I would have liked to have read the email that Ann received from Marcy. I like how you leave the reader with different images of Marcy their minds—is she just busy or is she purposely not responding. I also like how you leave their relationship open because the reader doesn’t know if they’re just friends or they may have been together. I think that you could make this story a lot longer because there are so many questions unanswered in this portion of the story between Marcy and Ann. Alicia H.

David's 2nd Critique

The Last Will and Testament of Edward P. Unum David, I like the way you played with the names of your characters and the way you constructed the story in a will. I like the fact that Edward is giving away more money than he actually has. I also like the fact that he’s not giving his son anything, just a little advice. I like that this story makes you read it another time, because after reading it a second time you see the metaphorical concepts in the story. You were really clever with the names (Lady Libby, George and Martha, Sam, etc.). Alicia H.

David 's 1st Critique

Letter From the Front David, When I began to read the story, I thought that I was reading about real war, but as I continued to read, I realized that it was a fictional war on water. I think that is the best part about this experimental fiction—the whole mood of the story is a somewhat satire. I like the way that the narrator explains to the reader how the war came about and how far its gotten through a letter, but I think it would have been better if it were longer—maybe a journal entry, or a series of letters or journal entries—because I wanted to know more about the water wars. You illustrated an image in my head of these water wars so vividly and then you end with the focus more so on Penelope (asking her questions and stuff), and then the story ends. I would like to see more of the water wars, it was just really funny. Alicia H.

Weldon's 3rd Critique

Thirteen of These Thirteen of These Thirteen of These Weldon, I like the way in which you play with words, especially the title of each section and how you incorporate that title or its meaning into that section of the story. Certain times throughout the sections, I read it as if these were the narrators’ ideas—the first thing that came to the narrators mind when they hear/read “A MEXICAN BLANKET”, “A FEW DIFFERENT ONES”, and so on. In the section titled “A FEW DIFFERENT ONES”, I liked how you added the extra space after “ . . . anytime these is a paper there is space” I also like, in that same section, how you used the line “a sentence is a clutter and a language” which is later a title for another section. The play on words and notions is what kept me reading the story. Alicia H.

Weldon's 2nd critique

Conveniently Portrayed Weldon, I like the way you experimented with the story. You kept out the quotation marks—which for me was harder to know the difference between narrator and character at times (but that might be the point). I like how the story shifts as I read it—it made it unpredictable. I like the use of the footnote along with the switch of the female character’s name. When reading the story, it lead me to think that this story was a journal entry turned into a narrative. When I finished reading it I wanted a little more from the main character. However, my favorite experimental part of the fiction was the footnotes and how it kind of changes the readers understanding of the story. The switch from Lucille, to Margret, then back to Lucille is cleaver. Alicia H.